I have wrestled with a lot of internal pressure to produce certain outcomes in my life, for things to turn out well, be good, right, helpful, ‘successful,’ or whatever. Some have named this a fear of failure, perfectionism, overachieving, coping mechanisms, or a host of other explanations and diagnoses, and these are surely involved (just ask my counselors!). But I’ve come to understand that this ongoing pressure has been much deeper than a set of problematic attitudes or behaviors. Rather, it is founded on an entire value system for life I’ve been taught and embraced that permeates my mindset, one that pervades Western culture and Western Christianity … that one should do well and be well, and life should go well. Therefore, the mindset says, when it isn’t all ‘well,’ you have to examine where you went wrong and solve the problem: your attitude, your thinking, knowledge, approach, education, etc. This belief system says that success, even as a follower of Christ = do well, be well, go well. Any other outcomes require that we question and discover what is ‘wrong’ and fix it, usually by ourselves.
Healthy introspection and self-awareness that is free of shame and control and based in a desire for healthy self-improvement is a good thing. But I wonder if we aren’t trapping ourselves in snares laden with anxiety and confusion if we embrace the faulty belief system that we somehow control the outcomes of our lives entirely by ‘right’ living, ‘right’ thinking, ‘right’ believing, and ‘right’ relating. The flood of information about how to do just about everything ‘better’ seems to indicate that we believe, at our core, that we have control over life and that we can better it through improving our ‘rightness,’ life hacks, knowledge, connections, or whatever. But over time, when we go through enough that isn’t ‘do, be, and go well,’ when we experience inexplicable losses, face hardship or sickness, broken relationships, cultural breakdowns, natural disasters, wars, and, and, and … we are each faced with the reality we do not, in fact, have control over life and all that may come our way. Simple answers and solutions go by the wayside and, often, it’s easy to lose heart completely.
What problem in life are we actually working so hard to solve? I think it is about pain—the problem of pain and suffering. No one (who is telling the truth) wants more pain or suffering in their life. What is it that ‘good, right, helpful, successful, accomplished, respected’ (or whatever we seek) seemingly promises to alleviate or solve? Do they not seem to promise outcomes that will somehow help us avoid or find relief from the pain that is inherent in our human experience? Some of us deal with pain by seeking to exert more control over it, to somehow ‘harness’ it and turn it for fuel for better ‘doing’ on our own. This doesn’t solve the problem of our experience of pain, and it requires an awful lot of willpower over a lifetime. We simply want a way out of the pain and suffering, so we try and try again to achieve, succeed, and overcome.
Here’s a challenging truth: We are not promised the avoidance or absence of pain and suffering in our lifetimes. In fact, Jesus Himself outright told us that we will have difficulty in this world (Matthew 16:33). That is Gospel truth, but it does not initially seem like good news at all. But the fullness of the good news of the Gospel is that, in Christ, we will never face our troubles or experience suffering alone—He Himself is with us always (Matthew 28:20). Not in an abstract or ethereal way, but in a literal, right-here-right-now, here-in-this-place, WITH YOU kind of way. We do not always feel like it, but it is true, nonetheless. I cannot explain why there are times we notice and sense His presence clearly and other times we do not. I don’t know why He seems just ‘this close’ in some seasons and far off in others, even when we are seeking Him. I don’t believe anyone fully understands that. I’m learning to trust Him, whether I sense His with-ness or not. It is quite a journey.
I’ve found that my deepest suffering is when I suffer pain alone. I’m sure I’m not the only one. Pain and suffering are not removed by the presence of others, but the weight of it is somehow lessened and made more bearable when we know someone is there, just present. With us. Though we often only remember it at Christmas, Jesus’s very name is Emmanuel—God With Us. Not only God With Us as a human race, but God With Us living in and with you.
If I can even begin to shift the focus and pursuit of my heart away from the individualistic, Western idea that I can or should manage or maximize what happens to me through better, ‘righter’ attitudes, choices, and behaviors (even in the name of Jesus) and, instead, embrace that I am never left to face life’s difficulties and outcomes alone, how will my frustration with my lack and limitations, my weaknesses and fears, my anxiety, and sense of hope be changed? Will I not carry a lighter load, even in difficulty, if I focus my heart on learning how to fully abide in the Person Who is closer than a brother, a very present Help in time of trouble, Emmanuel, God With Me? If we open ourselves to respond to His invitations to abide in Him and allow Him to abide (fully dwell) in each of us, how will we, and our experiences, be changed?
Lord, do Your deep work and give us the grace to respond to you with all my heart. May we not live a life that is focused on avoiding outcomes we do not want or pursue that which we believe will relieve our hearts from pain, apart from You. May we be wholehearted, fully yielded, trustful, abiding followers of our loving Lord, Jesus Christ. Grant us the grace to notice Your with-ness, Your Emmanuel presence, every day.
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